I bet you’ve been thinking it’s about time I did some proper blogging. Y’know, wistful relationship posts and lamenting and stuff? Yeah, me neither. But hey, it might be more interesting than reading about ‘Alex’s stupid thought of the week’, the possibility is there… 😉
The lament cannons are loaded… aimed… fired.
There’s this girl.
There’s always a girl, they say. Well, this is the story of one of them. An important one, as far as my own life goes. I went out with, oh let’s refer to her as Liv Tyler, (Why not eh? 😉 ) for six awesome months back in the summer of 2004. And awesome it was; a nigh-on perfect summer. She was my first real relationship, someone I just clicked with, like a headphone-jack slipping into a socket, and you can take that imagery however you like.
It was the kind of relationship where we could just riff on about anything for hours, it was great. She’s my kinda crazy. But I was going off to university in September, and she called it off after that, which was sad but fair enough, seeing as she would be all the way back in my home city anyway. For the next year or so though we’d keep in touch, and everytime we did meet up in the holidays, would end up getting together, wondering afterwards where that had just come from, but knowing, really. Generally then, we carried happily on as good friends with benefits.
Cutting a long story down to size, however, she ended up seducing one of my two very best mates, and one day I found out they’d become a couple.
”What the fucknuts?’ Quoth me.
‘It just sort of happened!’ Quoth she.
‘Erm…’ Quoth the mate.
Although we weren’t going out any more, with the prolonged-fling nature of our relationship all sorts of feelings were battling it out in my stomach for dominion. Betrayal, confusion, annoyance, paradoxical happiness (because I was glad that my friend, at least, had gotten a girlfriend) and god knows what else all went at each other as I tried to figure out how I felt about it all.
At the end of the day though, I had a girlfriend myself who I was busy falling in love with, and eventually I stopped worrying about it. I distanced myself from Liv as much as possible. We had a moment before I left to go live in France for a year though, and the old sparks were still there. I have a weakness when it comes to her that bewilders me, and is probably the reason I’m spilling all this out like an angsty teenager. I knew it wasn’t going to lead anywhere but trouble at that time, that was for sure, so I made a vow to myself to just maintain a wall of silence from then on.
Liv and my mate broke up just after I went off to France at any rate, him and I reconciled all the tension that had been lingering, and I didn’t reply to any of her emails or texts for about two years. “This is working well,” thought I, pleased at my inflicted willpower. But then came a new site called facebook. Ahh facebook.
She sent me a really nice message about catching up, wondering how I was, and hoping to be friends, at least on facebook if nowhere else. I replied. I wanted to tell her that the most important thing out of all this was the relationship between me and the friend, and I didn’t want anything to jeapordise that again so to call it at that and maybe at some point in the future, but not now. So that’s what I did tell her, which she took well.
A year to the day (yesterday), she has sent me another message asking again if we could break the hiatus. Her optimism is infectious, I have to say, this time. It makes me wonder if I’ve been a bit of a dick that she’s kept on trying all this time while I’ve just blanked her.
It has been years, and important years too; the late teens to early twenties period in which people change alot so I’m thinking well, we were all young, making mistakes, all that stuff, why not respond and say ‘Yeah, it’d be great to catch up and have a natter’? It’s just all the tension and drama in the past… puts me off a bit.
I know there’s not much point to all this, but I suppose I wanted to get it out there and muse it over a bit, and I think it’s actually helped. By the way; good work on your part if you’ve gotten this far too. Seriously; give yourself a cookie or three 🙂